Getting Over A BreakUp

Getting Over A Breakup.

Hello!

Welcome to another important article on A Moment With Jennie. This topic is literally for everyone (both old and young) and I really took my time to write this article because I wanted my words to resonate with everyone reading it, I could relate to the topic and the many people going through it or have already been through it. Enjoy!

Break ups are hard. In fact, experiencing the end of any relationship is hardest part of being in a relationship. And a lot of us have our own personal break up stories while some have a lot of very interesting break up stories they have heard from other people. I personally have heard and witnesses a lot of terrible break ups and stories. I know of a friend who was in the hospital for months after her break up. Another friend is yet to consider going into any relationship years after break up from his girlfriend. Too many crazy and very scary stories on break ups and how some tried to commit suicide, others fell into deep depressions and some just using casual sexual encounters to overcome their pains.

I am not an expert on break ups or how to get over a break up because I haven’t ever experienced a bad break up which I am always grateful for. I am one of the fortunate and lucky ones when it comes to break ups. Like I always say, I’ve only ever been with amazing men, great men, I never have the urge to hate any of my exes. There are a lot of people like me out there. And there are People who never want to be reminded of their exes because they only have the bad memories left of the relationship they had with them.

So, I had to talk to a lot of people about their breakups and their pains and how they were able to get over the pain and and the break up itself. I also did a deep dive research on Google (my best friend!]. And I have come up with a few pointers on getting over a breakup, bad or not.

First, I want to say that the pain you feel depends on the kind of break up you had which will also help in how you should work on getting over said pain and break up. And never be in a hurry to heal. Never be a hurry to move on. Take your time to heal. Take things one day at a time, one step at a time and eventually you will grow past the pain, you will feel better. You will become a better person because of your pain and because of your experiences. A quick quote below summarizes what a breakup is.

“A breakup is a classic example of what we call an ambiguous loss, which is where the grief of the loss of a relationship is often complicated by a lack of closure,” Michaela Decker, a licensed marriage and family therapist says.

Below are a few tips on how to get over a break up:

1. Think about your breakup as a physical injury:
   Andrea Liner, Psy.D., suggests trying to give yourself the same grace when healing from having your heart broken that you would if you were experiencing a medical issue. “You may not be operating at 100%, and that’s okay,” Dr. Liner tells SELF, noting that you wouldn’t beat yourself up for not going to the gym after, say, breaking your leg. “Extend yourself the same kindness for going through an emotional injury,” she says.
2. Give yourself permission to feel your feelings.
   Susan Birne-Stone, Ph.D., a licensed clinical social worker in Brooklyn, suggests setting a timer and giving yourself 10-20 minutes to feel whatever you are feeling without judgment. Write out any thoughts about the breakup in a letter that you will never give your ex (or just speak your thoughts out loud). When that timer goes off, ask yourself: “What do I need now? Do I need to speak with someone that loves me? Do I need to do something physical? Do I need to take a shower, eat, self-pleasure, watch a movie? What will be nurturing in this very moment that will also feel good after?” You can repeat this as needed!
3. Reconnect with things that make you happy.
   Dr. Liner suggests dusting off old hobbies you may have stopped doing while busy in your relationship. “We naturally shift away from various activities while dating, and it can be empowering to get back to them,” she explains.
4. Surround yourself with good support—and lots of it.
   Naturally, your inclination may be to lean on your friends for support during and after a breakup. Try not to let embarrassment or anxiety hold you back from doing just that. “One of the things I hear most from clients going through breakups is that they’re worried about burdening or annoying their networks,” says Dr. Liner. “So it can be helpful to rotate who you’re talking to.” Depending on the specifics of your situation—like if the breakup was expected and if you’ve been keeping up with your friends a normal amount during your relationship—they may not be surprised to hear the news. Hopefully, they’ll spring into action and help you feel better in the specific ways that only people who really know you can.
5. And apologize to your support system if you need to.
   But if you’re itching to reach out to people you’ve lost touch with for some reason, whether it’s getting caught up in your relationship or the madness of the pandemic, you can reach back out—and own your mistake if you need to, Dr. Liner says. For instance, if you basically fell out of orbit because you were that in love, she offers a few scripts to try: “I know I stopped prioritizing our friendship while I was in my relationship, and I really regret that. I’d love a chance to reconnect with you if you’re open to it.” Or, “I got really caught up in having a significant other and now see that it wasn’t cool of me to disappear on you like that.”
6. Consider finding a therapist if you don’t already have one.
   “Having an unbiased, neutral, third-party observer is instrumental in gaining a deeper understanding in what happened, what your role was, and how you can learn and grow from it as you pursue future relationships,” says Dr. Liner. This is extra important if your mental health has been heavily impacted by your breakup. “I place extra emphasis on this advice for anyone who is experiencing a significant decline in functioning: not eating or sleeping, missing or struggling at work, major changes in mood or personality, or having intrusive or suicidal thoughts,” Dr. Liner says.
7. Put away as many painful reminders of your ex as you can.
   “The healthiest coping mechanism is getting rid of everything associated with this person,” says Zaman. (As you’ll see in a bit, that doesn’t necessarily mean trashing everything.) Maintaining the option for communication or even saving old texts or phone calls, according to Zaman, “keeps hope that [you’ll] possibly get back together. It could also hinder the ability to move on with your life without this person in it.”
   That said, one day after you’ve processed the relationship and can even look back on it fondly, you may wish you still had certain mementos from your time together, which brings us to our next tip.

8.Try dating yourself. (Yes, seriously.)
In case you’re tempted to roll your eyes at this one, know that it really can be helpful. “Whenever I am dealing with a breakup, I always act as if I am in a relationship with myself,” says Jeanine Duval, the editor of an online Tarot and astrology resource in Montreal. She takes herself on dates, cooks herself exciting meals, the whole nine. “Treat yourself like you are the best partner in the world! Because newsflash: You are your own best partner,” she says.

9. Don’t keep tabs on your ex.
   You don’t need to know about what they are up to, so don’t fall into the trap of lurking on their social media or having mutual friends keep you updated. Knowing what they’re up to will not help you move on. “If you find yourself obsessively checking their [social media], it would benefit you to either unfriend, block, or hide them, as is an option on some apps,” Decker explains. Again, this is a time you may need to enlist the help of a friend who can take these steps for you if it’s too much to do them on your own. AND PLEASE DO NOT HOOK UP WITH THEM, NO MATTER HOW TEMPTED YOU MAY GET!
10. Take a break from dating if you’re not ready.
    Being single again might seem scary, but you don’t have to force anything. Jumping into something too soon, Decker says, can backfire when you have not yet fully processed your breakup. “This can lead to additional stress and regret that will further complicate the healing process,” she explains. And periodiy check in with yourself to see if you are ready to get back out there and meet someone new with the possibility of starting a new relationship. And you can know you are ready when you feel more happy emotions than sad ones, when you are more happy with yourself and your achievements and the people around and the things that you do. When you are more positive than negative. When you think of you remember your ex and your relationship with them and not feel any sense of loss or pain. Then you know for sure you are ready.
11. Don’t engage in revenge posting.
    You know the posts—where you’re curating your social media with the intention of posting things your ex will see (or hear about through mutual friends) in order to elicit jealousy, show them how great you’re doing, or just generally behaving with them in mind. This causes you to still prioritize them and allows them to take up significant real estate in your mind. There’s nothing inherently wrong with these kinds of posts, but if you’ll be disappointed if your ex doesn’t watch your story or text you after a particularly great post on your feed, that’s a sign to proceed with caution.
12. Focus on creating new memories.
    After a breakup, it can be hard to go to your local coffee shop, listen to your favorite artist, or take your dog for a walk without your former partner if those are the things you used to do to bond. But use this opportunity to create new memories of your own that aren’t tied to your ex. “Try going to a restaurant you and your ex frequented with friends instead and choosing to have a great time, or picking a new restaurant and creating a new memory,” says Sam Bolin, a licensed clinical social worker in Linthicum, Maryland.
13. Don’t wait for “closure” before letting yourself move on.
    Having a mentality of “I’ll be over it when X, Y, or Z happens” is a surefire way to continue pushing off your healing. You may never get the apology or explanation you’re seeking—so your healing cannot be dependent on that. It is inevitable that there will be things that will remind you of your ex periodically as the months pass by. This is perfectly normal, says Zaman, and indicative of why there is no “perfect” form of closure, even after leaving a good relationship.

After talking to people and doing my own personal research online, these are a few points I was able to come up with. I really hope these points help you heal and move on to being a happier, healthier person.

Thank you for spending A Moment With Jennie. Let’s meet again and spend more intimate time together in the next article. Thanks for reading!